Caregiving – Perfection was Never the Goal
Then What Is?

by Jan Manarite, November 2020

As we get ready for this Holiday Season, I’m reminded of all the people out there who are caring for loved ones who are compromised, sick or battling cancer.  I was the caregiver for my husband’s advanced metastatic prostate cancer for 13 years.  I know what this feels like and looks like.  It’s a unique journey, full of every emotion you can imagine.

Here are a few thoughts for all of you.  I laugh at myself because I’m thinking you’re probably too busy shopping, cleaning, decorating, and planning – to even read this.  But I hope you can.

Every Caregiver is Different – give yourself permission to be who you are.  I was the caregiver who researched, helped choose treatments, and even order testing.  I’ve seen other caregivers who were the quintessential cook, crafter, or party creator.  One thing that happens with couples is that you grow to understand what your partner wants.  My husband didn’t really want to visit with others; he didn’t want me fussing over his food.  He wanted me to fight for him.  So, I did.  That was us.

Appetites will Change for a Sick Person – listen to their appetite.  Since food is a big part of the Holidays, I think this is important.  Wives often worry about what their sick husband is eating while he’s trying to recover from a disease or deal with treatment side effects.  But I learned that I had to listen to my husband’s appetite and be creative.  His appetite went through phases and often change.  I didn’t try to “convince” him to eat something – I learned to find a way to give him what he was asking for, but add a healthy twist.  He never knew what healthy ingredients I put in those milkshakes…but the blender became my friend.  Appetite is a powerful thing and not always a choice.

Pick Your Battles – Shorten your To-Do List.  If everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority.  Write a few things down and see if that clarifies your thoughts, which can sometimes be all over the place. 

Perfection Isn’t the Goal – it never was.  The goal for me was to simply know that “I did my best.”  That’s all.  That has nothing to do with striving for perfection, which is usually something that another person has burdened you with.  Instead, doing my best had everything to do with me, and with us, and owning the journey that we were given, in a way that was thoughtful, understanding, giving, and personal.  

You’re probably already doing your best, or you wouldn’t be reading this article.  

Remember that other people can either help you or hinder you, but either way, they are probably dealing with their own fears for you because they care – and they don’t always know how to express it.  You cannot always help them deal with their own fears because you’re busy effectively dealing with yours.  I remember this well.  If you can give them one tangible thing to do, sometimes that helps.  For me – understanding they had fears was also helpful.

Have a blessed Holiday Season.  If you’d like to chat further, email Jan at Jan@cancerabcs.org.